After delving into loglines and discussing what I’ve learned about them (here and here), I thought I would try illustrating how one can use a logline as the foundation for constructing a query.  One problem we often see when writers first attempt a query is that they throw in everything but the kitchen sink — names of numerous characters, places, and objects, an entire paragraph of back story, a long synopsis-y description of the plot that tries to bring in all the secondary plot lines, etc..

The key is finding the central plot line and choosing the most significant elements to focus on, and then developing that enough to make it both clear and intriguing, without trying to include and explain everything.  What makes this far more difficult than it sounds is that when you’re looking at your own story, which you know so well, it’s hard to stand back and see it objectively enough to break it all down into something so brief.  Naturally, you think all of it is important (otherwise you wouldn’t have written all those words). 😉

This is why starting with a logline, in which you’ve already pared the story down to that essential kernel at the heart of it, can be helpful.  So I’m going to walk through the process here, in the hopes that this may make the task easier for anyone who’s having a hard time wrestling with the big bad query beast.

Here are two versions of a logline for my fantasy novel, How to Steal a Demigod.  One is shorter, the other has a little more development and further detail.  (As mentioned in my first post about loglines, different situations may call for one type or the other.)  Of course this exercise assumes that you’ve already managed to put together a decent logline that fulfills the basic requirements; the longer one here got a nod of approval from the logline guru, Holly Bodger, so that’s pretty good assurance that it qualifies.

Logline #1 –

Chosen for her climbing skills, Crea is one of four thieves plucked from the dungeons of Tibera and offered clemency if they can retrieve the kidnapped young figurehead of the Temple, but things get complicated when they discover the boy doesn’t want to be rescued.

Logline #2 –

When the young spiritual leader of the Temple is kidnapped, Crea is one of four convicted thieves promised a pardon if they can retrieve him.  Imagining how terrified the boy must be, Crea is determined to succeed for his sake as much as she’s determined to earn her freedom.  She leads a daring climb into the fortress where he’s held captive, but there’s one little problem—the boy doesn’t want to be rescued.

When you compare the two versions, you can see how the second one includes most of the same information, but fleshes it out more.  We’ve added the additional incentive Crea has for wanting to rescue the boy — her concern for him, on top of the desire to gain her own freedom — which gives us a little insight into her character and makes her even more sympathetic (we see that the motivation for her goal isn’t purely selfish).  We’ve also elaborated on where the boy is held captive and why her climbing skills are useful on this mission; this kind of thing is a good example of how we can build the query without getting sidetracked — adding more depth to the information we’ve already included, rather than throwing in something new.

Now I’m sure many would agree that the hardest part of a query is the first line or two, a.k.a. the ‘hook’. There are actually a number of ways in which a logline and a hook overlap, since they’re both intended to give an immediate sense of the book and grab the reader’s interest.  So although it doesn’t have to be, your hook might be similar to a short version of your logline. But it certainly doesn’t have to include as much information as a logline — it can be a ‘teaser’ whose meaning isn’t entirely clear until you read further into the query.

To a certain extent, a hook is one of those intangible things — you know a good one when you see it, but it’s hard to come up with a formula guaranteed to produce one.  One thing that can be said is that it needs to have some kind of inherent tension or contradiction. A simple way to do that is to use the scenario in which the main character is hoping or planning to do something, but something else — which would be the inciting incident — happens that throws a wrench into their plans.

Here are a couple of examples (albeit clichéd ones!).  For a romance, the hook might be something like this: “When Sally rents a beach cottage, all she wants is to spend a quiet summer alone recovering from the tragic death of her fiancé. Then she meets the scrumptious lifeguard living right next door.”  Or a murder mystery: “When Sally rented the beach cottage, she just wanted to have a fun weekend relaxing with her friends, but there’s nothing relaxing about unlocking the door of the cottage and finding a body —with a knife sticking out of its back.”

Okay, those are pretty bad — but I think they convey the idea of that little ‘twist’ that makes the opening pull the reader in.  To write a truly successful hook, there should be something about the character, the situation, and/or the inciting incident that’s distinctive or unusual in some way, so it doesn’t sound as if the story is going to be just another version of something that’s already been done a thousand times.  (Unlike both of my examples!) 😉

So for the query for Demigod, I brainstormed until I came up with this:

Crea doesn’t want the gods to think she’s ungrateful, but she wishes they’d found another way to answer her prayers.

The idea that someone could have their prayers answered but take issue with the way the gods have made it happen is something you wouldn’t expect, giving the statement that little bit of a twist. (I also think this hints at the humor and irreverence that’s sprinkled throughout the novel.)  Notice that this kind of hook doesn’t immediately explain the situation and the inciting incident — don’t feel that you always have to fit that into the very first line; the crucial thing is that it’s intriguing.

Next we have to properly introduce our MC.  So here I added one sentence to characterize her a bit and to explain how she became a convicted thief, which is a fact about her that’s included in the logline.

Before family misfortunes left her to fend for herself and she discovered that her agility and petite frame gave her an advantage as a thief, Crea was a respectable young lady who never dreamed she’d be convicted of theft and locked in the notorious dungeons of Tibera.

And that’s the most you’d want to do in terms of summarizing character history or back story — more than one line would usually be too much.

Then we have to get right into the storyline, which means bringing in the inciting incident.  So I used one sentence that ties back to the opening hook, and then the next two actually describe the inciting incident, providing a lot more information about it than we had in the logline, to show why it has the impact that it does on the characters in the story, but without including too much unnecessary detail.  And since Crea’s situation (the fact that she’s been convicted of theft and locked in the dungeons, where she desperately appeals to the gods), is the springboard for the inciting incident (her being chosen to rescue the kidnapped boy, with her freedom as the reward if she succeeds), this section weaves those things together.

Now it seems the gods have made an odd choice in response to Crea’s pleas. Surely they could have come up with something less drastic than the kidnapping of the young spiritual leader of the Temple—especially since no one knows just how barbaric the mysterious barbarians who’ve taken the boy really are.  But the kidnapping has given Crea the second chance she asked for; chosen for her climbing skills, she’s one of four thieves promised a pardon if they can retrieve him.

That will be the second paragraph in the query. Again, notice that I’ve stayed pretty close to the logline.  Though we’ve added the issue that we put into the hook — the odd way the gods have answered Crea’s prayers — we also combined it with information that was presented in the logline, rather than straying off into something different.  And for the final paragraph, we come right back to that second logline again, lifting out parts of it as-is.

Imagining how terrified the pampered and sheltered boy must be, and fearing his captors may do terrible things to him, Crea is determined to succeed for his sake as much as she’s determined to earn her freedom.  When she successfully leads a daring climb into the fortress where the boy is held captive, her goal seems within reach. There’s just one little problem—the boy doesn’t want to be rescued.

Now this would be sufficient, but because I had a little room (still keeping it under 250 words, which is a good rule of thumb for queries), I decided to go ahead and add one line that brings in the romantic element, since it’s a fairly significant part of the story. But I didn’t bring the love interest in at the beginning to distract from the main plot line, or go into a great deal of detail about it; I just slipped it into the middle of the last paragraph to up the stakes a notch, since it means there’s another reason for Crea to want to succeed and to ensure that she has a future.

And her feelings for one of her fellow thieves, the cheerful and charismatic Lamad, have rekindled her hopes for the future.

So this is what the complete query looks like:

Crea doesn’t want the gods to think she’s ungrateful, but she wishes they’d found another way to answer her prayers. Before family misfortunes left her to fend for herself and she discovered that her agility and petite frame gave her an advantage as a thief, Crea was a respectable young lady who never dreamed she’d be convicted of theft and locked in the notorious dungeons of Tibera.

Now it seems the gods have made an odd choice in response to Crea’s pleas. Surely they could have come up with something less drastic than the kidnapping of the young spiritual leader of the Temple—especially since no one knows just how barbaric the mysterious barbarians who’ve taken the boy really are.  But the kidnapping has given Crea the second chance she asked for; chosen for her climbing skills, she’s one of four thieves promised a pardon if they can retrieve him.

Imagining how terrified the pampered and sheltered boy must be, and fearing his captors may do terrible things to him, Crea is determined to succeed for his sake as much as she’s determined to earn her freedom.  And her feelings for one of her fellow thieves, the cheerful and charismatic Lamad, have rekindled her hopes for the future.  When Crea successfully leads a daring climb into the fortress where the boy is held captive, that future seems within reach.  There’s just one little problem—the boy doesn’t want to be rescued.

Now I’m not saying this is a perfect query, but it has all of the required elements — character, problem, goal, conflicts, and stakes/consequences — and I think there’s a decent chance it would pique the interest of some agents. (Unless they’re sick of the ‘thieves sent on a mission’ trope in fantasy!) Some might say that the consequences of Crea not getting freed from the dungeon should be spelled out, but I think that’s spoon-feeding the reader — common sense tells us that any ‘dungeon’ is a very bad place to be, and staying there usually means a significant reduction in one’s life expectancy (not to mention the serious quality of life issues you’ll have while you’re there). 😮

Also, since our target audience is literary agents (whom we can assume are well-read and reasonably intelligent), it’s only fair to give them credit and expect that they’ll understand some things from the context. Of course the exception would be a concept that’s specific to the invented world of your story, which you’d have to briefly explain somewhere in your query — but only if it’s necessary for understanding the basic elements.  Otherwise, just don’t bring it up, and then you won’t have to explain it. (This also helps to avoid ending up with a long, complex query because you keep adding an explanation for each thing that anyone who reviews your query raises a question about!) 😛

Another thing to note is that any book will have plenty of elements that don’t necessarily come through in the query — after all, you can only do so much in 250 words.  For instance, I think this novel is much quirkier than it sounds here.  Also, although I think an adult voice is somewhat apparent in this query, I’m sure some people may still be surprised or disappointed to find that the book doesn’t have the youthful voice and plain style that many have come to expect in a genre now dominated by YA; like most of what I write, this book’s style has more in common with that of a literary novel for an adult audience (which it’s intended for).

As well as a fair amount of humor, it also has quite a bit of philosophical stuff going on. (It playfully points to the underlying universal nature of all religions and the absurdity of the idea that those who worship differently must be wrong, and the problematic concept of separating body and soul when our physicality is such an indelible part of the human experience, and each chapter begins with a quote from Joseph Campbell.)  One of the reasons I picked this book for this exercise is that right now I’m not really planning to query it (though I may change my mind). Between the quirkiness and the fact that it’s on the long side, I think it may be the kind of book to bring up once you’ve already signed a contract with an agent and successfully worked with them on another book or two, and I have a couple of others in the works that I think will be better suited for querying.

But we have to remember that the purpose of a query is to get someone to want to take a look at the book, so as long as you don’t misrepresent it in any way, all the nuances that aren’t captured in the query shouldn’t cause a problem. This is where comps can come in, too — if you reference books that have a style and ‘flavor’ similar to yours, it should give agents an even better idea of what to expect.  (And of course, if your submission includes the opening pages or chapters, they’ll find out what the style is like right away.)

So I hope that was helpful (and maybe a bit entertaining), and that it shows how you can pin down the focus of a query by starting with a logline, rather than starting from scratch and flailing around. Then you can maintain that focus by building onto that framework, only adding details that expand on the basic elements, until you’re confident that you have a functional query.