I’ve recently discovered a number of fun contests designed to give authors a different way to get their pitch — and hopefully their manuscript itself — seen by agents. (One good source for learning about upcoming contests is the Sub It Club.) The gals who run these contests certainly deserve kudos for all the hard work they put in, and it’s nice to see that it looks like they usually have a lot of fun doing it, too.
It’s something I’d like to consider doing myself down the road — though I’ll probably want to enlist the help of someone more computer and web savvy to help with the logistics. And speaking of logistics, I’ve learned a lot about loglines in the past few weeks, thanks to all the great information at Miss Snark’s First Victim, a delightful site with lots of resources for writers, as well as great contests, including the monthly ‘Secret Agent’ contest. (And there’s quite a few success stories posted on the site, showing that the process really does work to connect writers and agents.)
One of the challenging things about writing loglines — which are required for entry in many of these contests — is that there are so many different definitions floating around as to just what a logline is and how long it should be. My conclusion is that the answer depends on who’s asking for the logline, and what they’re looking for. Some people want a logline that’s no more than 25 words, while the logline critiques at Miss Snarks’s First Victim permit up to 100 words (although they stress that shorter is better). And the Halloween-themed Trick or Treat with an Agent Contest going on this week asks writers for a three-sentence pitch, with no word count restriction.
So my recommendation is to prepare several loglines of different lengths. This is an excellent exercise anyway, and can help with writing queries as well. Then you just have to carefully read the instructions for any contest or critique session you want to participate in, and make sure you submit the pitch that fulfills their requirements.
Now, in case this is helpful to anyone else, I’m going to use the novel I’m querying as a guinea pig, and show some examples of different loglines for the same book. In some ways this is like the Snowflake Method of novel outlining. Or perhaps it’s like peeling an onion — you start on the surface and go down through the layers, adding more and more detail as you add more words. But no matter what the length, the logline or pitch should be enticing — and never confusing. (Alas, most of us find that accomplishing this is much easier said than done!)
10 words: A young man who’s an outcast struggles to find acceptance. (This is the extreme end of ‘concise’, and more of an exercise than a logline — there’s definitely not enough detail here for any kind of pitch contest! Notice that it could describe a million different stories.)
22 words: A young man who’s the only one of his race in an isolated village on a planetary colony struggles to find acceptance. (This is more like a TV guide blurb. Like the first, it could apply to a lot of stories, but it narrows it down a touch by adding some details — for instance, now we know it’s science fiction.)
46 words: A young man who’s the only one of his race in an isolated village struggles to find acceptance. After demonstrating his skill with a bow gives the villagers an excuse to perceive him as a threat, the arrival of a stranger puts his life in danger. (This is one I toyed with briefly — notice that it leaves out the fact that this takes place on a planetary colony, which might be problematic since it’s not obvious this is SF. The ending — the part about the stranger’s arrival putting him in danger — is also a bit vague.)
61 words: On a small planetary colony, a young man comes of age while struggling to find acceptance in an isolated arctic village where he’s the only one of his race. When he’s blamed for the murder of two elders, staying alive may mean fleeing the village to seek his own people–people he knows only from tales of their arrogance and cruelty. (This one is better because it gives the specific reason his life is in danger — he’s been accused of murder — and adds more detail that shows how the villagers view the people of his race, which (hopefully!) explains why they would have trouble accepting him.)
65 words: On a small planetary colony, a young man struggles to find acceptance in an isolated arctic village where he’s the only one of his race, but demonstrating his prowess with a bow only gives the villagers another excuse to perceive him as a threat, and when he’s blamed for the murder of two elders, he may have to leave everything he knows to stay alive. (Another variation that shifts the focus a little, showing one of the ways he tries to win approval, and how it backfires. I was concerned that this was important to avoid making the character seem like a passive victim — he’s actually very strong-willed and stubborn, and the way he spends several years teaching himself to become the best archer in the village is one of the important ‘coming of age’ elements in the novel. But you can see how it’s hard to squeeze something like that into a logline.)
67 words: Growing up in an isolated arctic village where he’s the only one of his race, Jem is shunned by nearly everyone. His skill with a bow brings him confidence and pride–and more distrust from the villagers. When he’s blamed for the murder of two elders, survival may mean leaving to seek the people he knows only from tales of their arrogance and cruelty. (Another variation, using the MC’s name this time — which is often preferable, because it makes it more intimate. However, this also leaves out the planetary colony reference.)
76 words: Born in an isolated arctic village on a small planetary colony, Jem has never met anyone of his own race — the arrogant people from an advanced starfaring civilization who banished the original colonists to the harsh settlement. Jem struggles to be accepted, but demonstrating his skill with a bow gives the villagers another excuse to distrust him. When he’s blamed for the murder of two elders, survival may mean seeking a new life among the feared invaders. (This is my three-sentence pitch, which uses a different angle to provide more detail on Jem’s own people and the socio-political situation.)
I have other versions that go up to 89 words, but I think that’s a bit long for a logline — at least for any of the contests I’ve seen — so I’ll stop there. Please understand that I’m not claiming that any of these are brilliant — I’m still working on crafting better ones — but I hope that showing the ‘anatomy of a logline’ will be helpful to others who are struggling through the same process.
Hi Lara, This sounds like a really intriguing story!
I like the 67 word one the best as from your description, it feels like it packs in the most important bits without confusion. I might switch up the beginning to “shunned in the arctic colony he calls home, Jem’s skill with the bow…” just because it feels like that’s a huge part of who he’s is.
In the longer one, “the arrogant people from an advanced starfaring civilization who banished the original colonists to the harsh settlement” confused me a bit. On re-reading, I think those are Jem’s original people? I’m not sure how that could be made clearer, but without knowing your story, it feels like one detail too many to me.
Good luck! Jem sounds like a really great character!
Thanks, Jessica! I really appreciate you taking the time to look at those.
Someone else also commented that there was just too much squeezed into the line about the people from the advanced culture. I was trying to incorporate the issue of their disparate technology and the reason the people in the village despised and feared them, because my regular beta reader felt I needed to include that information, but I definitely have to find a better way to do that! And you’re right, those are Jem’s own people, whom he knows nothing about other than what the villagers have taught him (which is all very unflattering)!
I’ve been working on a couple of rather different versions today, trying to piece together the parts that people have liked with some fresh suggestions. It never ends . . . !
Hi Lara, I kept thinking about your book last night and something that struck me is maybe there’s a way in with *why* he’s here on his own? I love the idea of his knowing only of his race through derisive stories and that feeling of being caught between two unpleasant choices. You’ve got so many intriguing elements, I don’t think you could go wrong with any of your choices. Can’t wait to see where you end up!
LOGLINE SUBMISSION #1
Thanks for posting about this, Lara. I didn’t submit my logline but would love some feedback on it. I’ve rewritten so many times I can’t see straight! 😉
My story is YA with a Gothic bent.
There are women buried beneath the lemon trees and when 17-year-old Lucina discovers why they died, she vows to unravel a dark legend before her best friend is the next to die. Her quest pits her against her community who believe the deaths ensure an ancient blessing and she must ultimately decide how much of herself she’s willing to sacrifice to save her friend.
I can certainly sympathize with having revised your logline so many times you can’t see straight! (I’m up to about nine pages of different versions on mine.)
But I think you’re pretty close here — this gave me chills when I first read it. The beginning is lovely — there’s something quite poetic about the image of the women buried beneath the lemon trees. However, you might want to rephrase ‘the next to die’ so that you don’t have the repetition of the verb coming so close after ‘why they died.’ Also, it looks like you’re missing a couple of commas; I’d put one after trees, and I think it would read a little better if you also set off ‘who believe the deaths ensure an ancient blessing’ with commas.
What concerns me is that I can imagine Holly Bodger saying that the last line is too vague. Perhaps you could be more specific about what Lucina’s sacrifice entails? Does it mean she could end up giving up her own life in exchange for her friend’s, or is there something else that may happen when she pursues the legend? (Perhaps something that has a broader impact than her own sacrifice?) To be honest though, because this logline creates a strong sense of the story, and the goal and the stakes are pretty clear — even without knowing exactly what fate Lucina might be risking — I can imagine some agents not being put off by this kind of ending at all.
Good luck with this, Jessica — and thanks for stopping by. Your book sounds fascinating (and creepy in a good way!), and it’s so nice to see a logline that starts with such effective imagery. 🙂
Thank you Lara! The die repetition bugged me to, so I’ll keep playing with it. I’ll get more specific about what she has to choose between, too. That’s such a challenge to me because it’s a big deal to the character, but I worry it might not seem that big a deal in the logline…
I really appreciate your feedback!
Oops, I missed Jessica’s post.
There are women buried beneath the lemon trees and when 17-year-old Lucina discovers why they died, she vows to unravel a dark legend before her best friend is the next to die. Her quest pits her against her community who believe the deaths ensure an ancient blessing and she must ultimately decide how much of herself she’s willing to sacrifice to save her friend.
Here’s a little rewording that might make it flow better:
Women are buried beneath the lemon trees, and when 17-year-old Lucina discovers the cause of their death, she vows to unravel the dark legend before her best friend dies like all the others. Her quest pits her against people who believe a woman’s death ensures an ancient blessing, and she must ultimately decide how much . . . (this ending is vague, as I don’t know what sort-of sacrifice would be expected of her, so the stakes don’t seem strong. Why wouldn’t she do whatever she can to save her friend? Now if the sacrifice means substituting herself for friend and dying herself, or something like that, it would be stronger stakes).
Hope this helps; it sounds like you have an intriguing story here!
The first half of the first line also gave me chills! Very nicely done. After that, you have the most important elements, but they could be re-arranged to eliminate some repetition and for greater impact. Here’s my attempt.
There are women buried beneath the lemon trees. When 17-year-old Lucina discovers they were sacrificed to ensure an ancient blessing, she must (specific thing) before her best friend becomes the next victim.
This version is a bit shorter, which leaves room for the specific action Lucina must take to save her friend’s life. “Unraveling a dark legend” confused me because I thought it meant she had to find out why the women died, but you just said she found that out. Now that she knows, how will she stop it? Does it require her to die in her friend’s place, or is her sacrifice to do some appalling thing (kill someone else, for example) that she isn’t sure she can do? Once you fit that bit of information in, I think you’ll have a terrific logline for an intriguing story.
Nice. Minor suggestions, just to tighten:
When 17-year-old Lucina discovers there are women buried beneath the lemon trees, she vows to unravel a dark legend before her best friend is next to die. Her community believes the deaths ensure an ancient blessing, so she must decide how much she’s willing to sacrifice to save a friend.
Jessica – I just wanted to say that I like Abbe’s version of your logline. Though I understand that it’s more conventional to start with ‘When seventeen-year old Lucina’, I feel strongly that you need to keep the opening line as ‘There are women buried beneath the lemon trees’, because that’s the part that really grabbed me, and I love that it sounds like the first line of a poem.
Actually, if I were you, I’d use that as the start of the query, too. (Granted, that’s my personal bias because I’m one of those people who reads for the beauty of the language as much as I read for a good story, and I’ve noticed that some agents are primarily focused on ‘concept’ instead.)
Wow, thank you all!! This is unbelievably helpful, and much appreciated! Makes me feel a lot more confident about continuing to revise for the contest :-).
I’m wondering, would anyone would be up for a 250 swap?
LOGLINE SUBMISSION #2
What a nice offer. Here’s what I have …
Adult Paranormal
Not everything his grandparents told about his dead mother was true, but it’s Stephen Hordsley’s father who remains the greatest mystery of his life, even after moving into his Atlanta mansion and going to work for his company. On his seventeenth birthday, when he learns his father has bulldozed his grandparents’ farm to build a mall, Stephen’s suicide attempt lands him strapped to a hospital bed, face to face with his family’s ghosts and a decision on how he defines family.
I like this logline, but the last part of the last sentence confused me a bit. I am not sure why he has to decide how he defines family. Also the beginning, do you really need the part about the mother in the logline. Just a couple of thoughts.
Emily
Good luck!!
Not everything his grandparents told (him) about his dead mother was true (I think it would help to know what his grandparents said that wasn’t true, or, if there isn’t room to explain, take it out. Or you could twist this to something like: When Stephen’s grandparents told him his mother was –, it wasn’t true,), but it’s Stephen Hordsley’s father who remains the greatest mystery of his life (why? Is it because he doesn’t know who his father is? Or?), even after moving into his Atlanta mansion and going to work for his company. (whose mansion? The way the sentence is set up, I’m not sure whose mansion or for whose company. I’m not sure you need to use the moving into his Atlanta mansion part at all, because the location and the mansion don’t seem to tie into the logline again.)
On his seventeenth (is this Adult or YA? Usually seventeen is YA) birthday, when he learns his father has bulldozed his grandparents’ farm to build a mall, Stephen’s suicide attempt lands him strapped to a hospital bed, face to face with his family’s ghosts (I think this is great, but I’m not sure whether you mean real ghosts or not) and a decision on how he defines family.
I think you’re trying to put too much information into your logline, and all the details add confusion. And other parts tease but don’t give specifics. I’m not sure how to suggest a rewrite, because I’m not sure about the details I mentioned above. Maybe streamline this and post it again. I’ll check in later tonight and help if I can. Best of luck with it!
Thanks so much for the feedback – very helpful!
Is this better?
Not everything his grandparents implied about his dead mother was true, but Stephen Hordsley’s father remains the greater mystery. On his sixteenth birthday, when he learns his father bulldozed his grandparents’ farm to build tract houses, Stephen’s suicide attempt lands him strapped to a hospital bed, face to face with family ghosts and a decision on how he defines family.
I’m really intrigued by this, Barrett, but I’m not clear on why you’re mentioning the dead mother or the family farm–it doesn’t feel like that goes anywhere here. Since the bulldozing the farm is what leads to Stephen’s suicide attempt, it seems like it must be important to the story, but without an understanding of why, I lean towards cutting it and keeping the focus on the relationship with the ghost, kind of like this, perhaps:
After a suicide attempt, sixteen-year-old Stephen Hordsley finds himself strapped to a hospital bed, face to face with family ghosts and he must decide how he defines family. [if you could be more specific about what that decision entails, that would be great, too.]
I really like all these elements, I’m just not clear on how they come together as I read your loglines.
Thank you! Very helpful. I have too many stray details. My protagonist finds out late in the story that the man he’s been trying to love/accept is not his biological father. Someone he thought of as more a friend – though much older – turns out to be his biological father. But the other guy has made .big sacrifices on his behalf, so he ends up “playing along.” Thank you again for your insights.
This is on the long side, but that’s easily solved because I don’t think the first half is necessary. I’d cut the first (long) sentence and start with “On his seventeenth birthday….” It would need just a bit of tweaking. For example: “When seventeen-year-old Stephen learns his father has bulldozed his grandparents’ farm to build a mall, his suicide attempt lands him strapped to a hospital bed, face to face with his family’s ghosts.”
Since this is paranormal, I assume those are literal ghosts, and I’d like the next line to tell me more about them. What danger, physical or emotional, do they pose? What must Stephen do to avoid or overcome that danger? (Does it involve his definition of family? How?)
I hope this helps.
Barrett – I think the phrase beginning ‘even after moving into’ is a little awkward. Is this info really necessary? I’m wondering if you could touch on why his father is a mystery instead. I like most of the second sentence, and that part piqued my interest, though I think perhaps you could end it after ‘his family’s ghosts’. Perhaps if you had a little more detail about his past relationship (or lack of a relationship!) with his father, ending it with that would be sufficient to show the nature of the conflict.
Though I imagine some might say that Stephen’s goal and the stakes should be more defined, I feel that dealing with family issues and facing your own shadow (in the Jungian sense) after a suicide attempt is enough. But I’m concerned that you’re calling this paranormal, and I see no hint of anything like that (other than the word ‘ghosts’, but that seems to be used in a symbolic way, as it often is with regards to a family’s past).
This actually strikes me as contemporary/literary, and — as Martha pointed out — if Stephen’s seventeen, some might say it should be classified as YA. (Though of course there are adult books with younger protagonists, so it’s not always possible to say that without seeing the book.)
I do like the premise though — particulary the idea of a young man going to pieces after his father replaces the family farm with a mall. (That makes me shudder!)
Thank you so much! Very helpful. I have struggled with whether this is YA or adult literary for some time. The family ghosts Stephen meets in the hospital are literally ghosts, though you don’t realize that until he figures it out late in the story. Do you think this shorter version is less confusing?
Not everything his grandparents implied about his dead mother was true, but Stephen Hordsley’s father remains a greater mystery. On his seventeenth birthday, when he learns his father bulldozed his grandparents’ farm to build a mall, Stephen’s suicide attempt lands him strapped to a hospital bed, face to face with family ghosts.
Again, thank you for your insights. I’m grateful.
I think this is much better. I still wonder if you need the first part about his parents, but the ending works much better for me. I like Abbe’s suggestion of starting with the farm being destroyed, then explaining more the paranormal aspect, but the first part could be a large part of your story.
Best of luck with it!
I really like your 67-word logline! Only change I would recommend is changing “the” to “his” and adding the word “who” like this:
… seek his people who he knows only from tales of their arrogance and cruelty.
LOGLINE SUBMISSION #3
Thank you so much for such a great opportunity.
Here is my logline:
Zane loves Whitney, but she’s a mess in her wild ways, drowning in drugs and one-night stands. But when a chance at overdue love hits, will Zane be able to choose what’s best for him, or will he fall into a toxic abyss instead?
Jessica, I am intrigued by your logline, and I agree the last line lacks something. What is her sacrifice?
Lara, I like the 65 word one, I read somewhere that you aren’t supposed to use the MC names, and instead describe them, which led me to this. I don’t like it as much though.
A hard-working nice guy loves his exuberant best friend, but she’s a mess in her wild ways, drowning in drugs and one-night stands. When a chance at overdue love hits, will this tender hearted man be able to choose what’s best for him, or will he fall into a toxic abyss instead?
Emily, I would use the one with the names. I’ve always heard you *should* name your character, as it gives the reader something to connect to. I think yours works pretty well, but I would cut “she’s a mess in her wild ways” and just say, “Nice guy Zane loves Whitney, even though she’s drowning in drugs and one-night stands.” As for your next sentence, I’m unclear what you mean by “overdue love.” I’ve also heard that agents don’t like rhetorical questions. Perhaps you could re-phrase to: “When he gets a chance at love Zane has to choose between what’s best for him, or following his heart into Whitney’s toxic abyss.” Good luck with this.
PS My MC is also named Zane 😀
Thank you so much, and Zane is a great name!
Title – Next to You
Age Range – Adult
Genre – Romance
Thanks Lara!
Emily – I agree with Kimberly that it’s fine to use names, and many people prefer it that way. But most people also agree that rhetorical questions are really out of fashion now, in loglines as well as queries! In any case, I don’t think yours is doing anything for you here.
I’d use the framework of your first version, but not end it with the question. It’s also important to include the fact that Zane is that ‘hard-working nice guy’ (but perhaps find a different way to phrase that), and not at all a party animal like Whitney. The difference in their life styles is what really creates the tension — and the interest — in this love story. (As well as the fact that she’s almost certainly headed for serious trouble.)
I also don’t care for ‘overdue love’ — can you be more specific here? Such as, could you add something brief to show that he’s never really been in love before, or he’s been wary of relationships because of a past experience, or something like that?
Also, I’m afraid I find ‘toxic abyss’ too over the top. I think you can show that he’s at risk of being pulled into her world without being so melodramatic.
On the plus side, I think the conflict inherent in this kind of relationship makes it an appealing story line, and it sounds like it has real potential. 🙂
Thank you so much for your help.
I tried something a little different.
Drug addict Whitney spirals into desperate measures for one final chance to win back the heart of Zane, a hard working likeable guy. But her love for drugs and partying hard has threatened to push him into someone else’s arms.
I really like this version, Emily! It feels really strong and intriguing. Two minor quibbles: I don’t like “hard working likeable guy” it just feels a little generic to me and the mention of drugs twice feels unnecessary to me. I think from the first mention, we get that Whitney is a bit of a mess and it might make sense to focus on the ramifications of her actions on Zane.
I think I might tweak it just a bit:
Drug addict Whitney makes one final, desperate attempt to win back the heart of best friend Zane. But she’s broken his trust so many times he may just decide it’s easier to find love with another.
Emily – I think Jessica’s version is getting closer, and I agree that ‘likeable guy’ doesn’t say much about Zane. (Most people are likeable in some way!) But I think what’s missing here is a sense of what Whitney is going to try to do to keep from losing Zane.
What would the final, desparate attempt entail? Quitting cold turkey? Turning her back on all her friends who are part of that scene? Or doing something else that would be very significant for Zane?
Thank you so much for all the feedback. I ended up going with this one for the actual entry Adult Romance #15
Drug addict Whitney spirals into desperate measures for one final chance to win back loyal, driven Zane. But her love for drugs and partying has threatened to push him into someone else’s arms.
I realize I used drugs twice, but I can’t take it back now!!! eep! Good luck to all!!
LOL! I know just how you feel, Emily — I keep second guessing myself about which version I should have submitted.
Good luck to you too! 🙂
LOGLINE SUBMISSION #4
Hi Lara,
Thanks for all the great advice. I’m looking to enter the Baker’s Dozen contest and have been polishing my log line. Was hoping to get some feedback.
Here’s my log line:
When Ravin is harvested for full-body recycling, she must partner with the man responsible for her capture if she hopes to escape before her body is sold at auction.
I like the idea, and the feel of the logline. I find myself curious about what full body recycling is though. Not sure if you can elaborate with what that means will happen to her. Just a thought. Good Luck!
I read the query for this project (I think?) so I may be coming in already knowing too much, but I think this sounds good. My only quibble is that “harvested” makes it sound like the recycling has already taken place? Where as I think you mean it is imminent and she is trying to avoid it? Good luck!
I would say “collected” rather than “harvested” to avoid the confusion Caitlin mentioned.
Whenever I hear that a character “must” do something, I wonder why. You’ve only used 29 words, so you have room to expand on this point a bit. Why will he help her and what’s their plan?
Thanks all!! Great advice.
I agree that “harvested” jumped out at me as confusing–I might use “selected” instead, if that fits.
I think, too, that some sense of something–the time period or why she’s going to be recycled–is she human? Is there something wrong with her? Is she too old? I think it’s great that your logline inspires questions (and don’t think it needs to answer all of them), but since it’s so short, would love it if you added just one more specific detail to it. The whole idea of being auctioned off for recycling is very creepy (in a good way)!
I’m a little torn about this one. In many ways it works well as it is –especially if you were using it someplace where your logline had to be 35 words or less. What popped into my head was that it might be nice to have some idea of the setting (‘In a future world where . . .’) and something specific about what she and her captor need to do.
On the other hand, we can deduce from what you have here that this is a world in which live human bodies are regularly recycled, and whether this is sanctioned by the society, or something done only by criminals, is a detail that doesn’t need to be in the logline to make us curious about the book.
Seeing that both Abbe and Jessica wanted a little more information, I would suggest keeping this logline as your ‘short version’, but also doing another around 50-60 worlds that adds just a little detail about the situation and about what Ravin and her companion will have to do. Good job, though! 🙂
LOGLINE SUBMISSION #5
Hi, thanks for posting this: here’s mine it’s Dieselpunk (Steampunk with internal combustion):
As civil war brews in Avalice hangar deck crewwoman is determined to become Avalice’s first woman fighter pilot, but when the Admiral’s errant bastard son, grants her wish to train and fly off the flying aircraft carrier Omnipotent, Claire knows he’ll exact payment from her one day.
As civil war brews in Avalice(comma) hangar deck crewwoman (I’m expecting a name here) is determined to become Avalice’s first woman fighter pilot, but when the Admiral’s errant bastard son,(<don’t need comma) grants her wish to train and fly off the flying aircraft carrier Omnipotent, Claire knows he’ll exact payment from her one day.
This is a really long sentence, so maybe you could break it up.
This raised one question for me: Is the errant bastard son an antagonist, a friend, or a love interest? Or none of them? If it was clear, then the stakes of him exacting payment might have more impact.
Best of luck with it!
I really like the feel of this, but would rather get Claire’s name at the top than Avalice.
Perhaps:
As civil war brews, hanger deck crewwoman Claire is determined to become her country’s [I’m not sure that Avalice is really a country…] first woman fighter pilot. But when the Admrial’s son grants her wish to train too easily, Claire knows he’ll expect payment from her [and then…?]
For me, I think the and then is about their relationship like Martha mentions. Is he the antagonist? The love interest? A friend?
Hi Lindsay – Not sure if this is Adult or YA (or NA?) and whether you might have already submitted it, but here’s my thoughts on it.
Though the format of this is pretty ideal for a logline, there are a couple of glaring errors, and then it gets a little vague at the end. (The latter is a problem many of us have with our loglines!)
As Martha said, you have some comma issues — one missing where you really need one, and one pesky comma that shouldn’t be where it is — and it looks like you left something out of the opening phrase about your MC; either it needs to be ‘a hangar deck crewwoman’ or her name needs to be inserted after crewwoman. (As it stands it’s ungrammatical.)
Incidentally, I’ve recently seen a lot of writers whose prose is otherwise quite competent making significant comma errors. There are some cases where it’s debatable whether a comma is needed — and there’s always been different conventions in UK vs. US style — but I’m talking about the kind of comma errors that really cause problems, like the joke about the crucial difference between ‘Let’s eat, Grandma!’ vs. ‘Let’s eat Grandma!’. I’d suggest spending some time with a good resource on grammar and punctuation like Eats, Shoots & Leaves. (If you’re not familiar with it, the title is based on a similar joke, and she uses a lot of humor to lighten up the subject.)
I agree with Jessica that it would be better to have Claire’s name at the top, and I also think the rest of her comments are spot on. I don’t think you need the name of the country or the aircraft carrier. I’m also wondering if there’s another way you could phrase ‘hangar deck crewwoman’ — it’s a bit of a mouthful, and I had to stop and think about what kind of position that was describing.
The other issue is what Martha asked about — it’s not clear what Claire’s relationship is with the Admiral’s son (or where their relationship might be headed — I’m guessing romance, but I could be wrong), so it’s also unclear what kind of payment might be involved.
But your overall concept is strong here — and although I haven’t seen the term ‘Dieselpunk’ before, it makes sense to me. Good luck!
Thank you so much for opening your blog to those who didn’t make it into logline crits (like me). I chose your 76 word logline to crit because I like it the most.
Born in an isolated arctic village on a small planetary colony, Jem has never met anyone of his own race — the arrogant people from an advanced starfaring civilization who banished the original colonists to the harsh settlement (I think there’s too much information here, and arrogant doesn’t come across all that horrible; is there a better word to describe them? Or take out “the arrogant people from” and leave the rest; just the fact that they banished people puts them in a negative light). Jem struggles to be accepted (for acceptance, to make it present and save one word), but demonstrating his skill with a bow gives the villagers another excuse to distrust him (I’m wondering why. I’d think having a skill that might be used to hunt/protect others would be beneficial). When he’s blamed for the murder of two elders, survival may mean seeking a new life among the feared invaders. (I love where this is going.).
LOGLINE SUBMISSION #6
Here’s mine: an Adult Historical Fantasy with romantic elements:
After “accidentally” derailing a mortal’s destiny, twenty-first century goddess, Pandia, is sentenced by Zeus to community service in ancient Pompeii. A mishap enslaves her in the amphitheater, a steamy gladiator by her side. To escape Pompeii, Pandia must show Zeus she’s changed, but helping mortals is way harder than she thought-especially after they put a sword in her hand and expect her to kill one. (this is 65 words)
Thanks in advance!
Title: Twist of Fate
Martha – I’m afraid this feels rather cluttered to me. It started to make more sense after I reread it a few times, but my first impression was that the pieces didn’t seem to fit together, with one thing leading to the next.
I don’t feel that you’ve shown what flaw Pandia has that needs to be changed to appease Zeus. You put quotes around ‘accidentally’, as if implying she did something on purpose, but I think it would help if you could be more specific about what the ‘accident’ was. Does she look down on mortals and enjoy toying with them and messing up their lives? If so, that’s a great hook, and you need to make that clear from the start.
The end of the last sentence feels off to me. ‘Way harder’ sounds like teenage slang — I believe it should be ‘much harder.’ And I was wondering if you mean to suggest that she’s going to have a romance with the ‘steamy gladiator’. Also, is he the one she’s supposed to kill, or is she fighting someone else and he’s fighting alongside her?
I’m wondering if perhaps you’re trying to pull in too many elements of the story, rather than focusing only on the central storyline. Does that make sense?
Hope this helps!
Thank you, it does help!
This sounds like a fun read, Martha. I agree that it feels a little cluttered, though. My best guess at the important stuff:
After derailing a mortal’s destiny, Zeus sends present-day goddess Pandia back in time to serve community service in ancient Pompeii. To return home, Pandia must show Zeus [something specific], but [can you be really specific with this verb instead of “helping”] mortals seems impossible when they put a sword in her hand and expect her to kill one.
Hi Lara,
I think I like your 67-word pitch the best, with maybe a little tweak or two: Growing up in an isolated arctic village where he’s the only one of his race, Jem is shunned by nearly everyone. His skill with a bow brings him confidence and pride– and gives the villagers another excuse to distrust him. When he’s blamed for the murder of two elders, survival may mean sneaking back to live among the people who banished him to the colony in the first place. Or something along this line. I don’t think you need the bit about their arrogance – it’s more important to know they’re the ones responsible for his banishment. I found your 76-word line a bit confusing. Hope this helps.
Jessica, I agree with Lara. You could try changing “next to die” to something like “before her best friend joins them.” Also agree that “how much of herself she’s willing to sacrifice” is a bit vague. Will she die? Or just have to compromise her morality? Good luck.
LOGLINE SUBMISSION #7
Here’s my logline:
Thirteen-year-old Zane earns a ridiculous amount of gold catching shadows for the palace. But when he discovers he’s actually stealing souls, he must choose between the job that keeps him in luxury or quitting and becoming a target himself.
I really like this and think it’s tight already. My only question for clarity is: Why does he become a target if he quits?
I agree with the above comment. I think we need more stakes. If it’s just that he loses a comfy job that doesn’t have me very interested, but if he’s life is at risk, or he realizes his family members are at risk if he keeps doing it (or doesn’t keep doing it) then that would intrigue me more. I know, hard to get all that in a logline! 🙂
I really like the elements you’ve included here. Maybe include who would be targeting him–is it the other people who do what he does? His boss?
How’s this?
Thirteen-year-old Zane’s job catching shadows for the palace is the only thing keeping him out of the slums where he was raised. But when he discovers he’s actually stealing souls, he must choose between the job that keeps him fed, or quitting and becoming a target himself.
Oh yeah, forgot the info.
SHADOWCATCHERS
Upper MG Fantasy
45,000 words
I like the new detail! Since he’s just 13, I think you can skip “where he was raised” as that feels obvious to me. (there’d be no reason to worry about slums if he weren’t from there, I think). I’d still like to know whose target he’s at risk of becoming if there’s a way to keep that brief.
I think I’m going to keep “where he was raised,” just so the reader realizes how real a possibility it is. But how’s this?
Thirteen-year-old Zane’s job catching shadows for the palace is the only thing keeping him out of the slums where he was raised. But when he discovers he’s actually stealing souls, he must choose between the job that keeps him fed, or quitting and becoming the Empress’s next target.
Hi Kimberly – I was just about to write up my thoughts on your query when I saw your revision. (I’m working through the ones I didn’t get a chance to comment on earlier, in case some of the folks with YA and MG books are trying to make some final tweaks before submitting to the Baker’s Dozen next week!)
I think you’re close, and that you have a strong concept here. As others mentioned, specifying who would be after him if he runs from the job may be helpful, and I see that you’ve done that here by bringing in the Empress.
Here’s my rough suggestion for a revision:
Thirteen-year-old Zane has escaped the slums by landing a job catching shadows for the Empress. But when he discovers he’s actually stealing souls, he must choose between the job that keeps him fed but makes him a murderous tool of the powerful Empress, and heeding his conscience and leaving the palace — and becoming her next target.
Hope that helps! Good luck. 🙂
LOGLINE SUBMISSION #8
Thanks for the examples of different logline lengths. Also, thanks for the chance to have our own loglines critiqued. I did try 3 times to get into the MSFV critique rounds and failed every time, so here’s the latest version of mine:
When a spell for controlling other people binds itself to twelve-year-old Teddy, it puts her smack in the path of a power-hungry fanatic. He kidnaps her parents to force her to give him the spell, but if she trades it for their lives, it will be the last free choice anybody — including Teddy — ever makes.
About your loglines:
The 67 word version is my favorite. I like the inclusion of Jem’s name, and I think it gives the right amount of detail to distinguish your story from others with similar elements. It could be re-worded slightly to trim a few words (my personal preference is for loglines around 50 words). For example, this version of the first sentence, “As the only one of his race in an isolated arctic village, Jem is shunned by nearly everyone,” is three words shorter. If you named the race, you could shorten it even more. “As the only (species) in his isolated village, Jem is shunned by nearly everyone.” Fourteen versus the original twenty-one, one-third shorter. Once you have a draft of the logline that includes all the essential information, this kind of tweaking yields a sleeker, punchier version. I hope my comments help.
Thanks again for this opportunity.
Hi Abbe,
I like this logline, you have a clear description of the stakes. However, the first time I read it I stumbled over the part where the “spell binds itself” to Teddy. Does the spell have a mind of its own? Or did Teddy do something to make the spell attach to her? Was it the power-hungry man’s spell to start with that accidentally hit Teddy? Your logline is pretty short, you could probably add a couple of words to clarify how the spell happened to hit Teddy. Good luck.
Thanks for the suggestions. Here are a couple of versions that might answer the question, one by giving a touch more info, one by giving less and avoiding the question in the first place.
When a spell for controlling other people chooses twelve-year-old Teddy and binds itself to her, she becomes the target of a power-hungry fanatic. He kidnaps her parents to force her to give him the spell, but if she trades it for their lives, it will be the last choice anybody—including Teddy—ever makes.
When twelve-year-old Teddy finds a spell for controlling other people, she becomes the target of a power-hungry fanatic. He kidnaps her parents to force her to give him the spell, but if she trades it for their lives, it will be the last choice anybody—including Teddy—ever makes.
Are either of those any better?
Hi Abbe,
I like the last version the best. It takes away the confusion about how the spell works and still lays out the stakes. Good luck!
I like the last one best–I think it’s because in this context, bind sticks out as confusing to me, so doing away with it feels clearer. The only thing I might change is the word “fanatic” because that’s not as clear as it could be (since there are many types of fantatics). Who is he specifically?
Thanks for your suggestions. Here’s one more tweak:
When twelve-year-old Teddy finds a spell for controlling other people, she becomes the target of a zealot who wants to rule the galaxy. He kidnaps her parents to force her to give him the spell, but if she trades it for their lives, it will be the last choice anybody—including Teddy—ever makes.
Love this! “Rule the galaxy” feels very mg to me.
Lara asked us to add genre/category/word count info, so here it is:
The Day I Ruled the World
MG Fantasy
56,000 words
Abbe – I love your title! I think it’s great for a midgrade fantasy like this.
I think your logline is pretty strong. For some reason, I had to read it a couple of times to wrap my head around the part at the end about it being the last choice they would ever make, because I thought it was implying they’d end up dead anyway.
I was thinking of suggesting that you add something like ‘when he has the spell (or power) he’ll force everyone to . . ., etc.’. But after reading this again, I think it’s obvious that when the villain has the power everyone will be his slaves, so you probably don’t need more clarification.
One minor detail: when I saw the name ‘Teddy’, I thought your MC was a boy. There are so many unisex names these days (and so many names that were originally boy’s names that are now used exclusively for girls!), but the convention used to be that when you gave a name like Teddy to a girl you changed the ‘y’ to an ‘i’. Any chance you’d consider spelling it as ‘Teddi’ instead of ‘Teddy’? (Just for us stodgy old folks who can’t keep up with all this gender ambiguity in names!) 😉
LOGLINE SUBMISSION #9
Thanks so much for a chance to share loglines!
Would love to share and to read others.
Title: Amongst
Genre: YA Fantasy
Logline:
Considered insignificant, fifteen year-old Enoch sets out to disprove Verandale’s oldest saying: It’s not impossible to leave; it’s impossible to leave with your body still wrapped around your soul.
Considered insignificant, fifteen year-old Enoch sets out to disprove Verandale’s oldest saying: It’s not impossible to leave; it’s impossible to leave with your body still wrapped around your soul.
I’m not sure why it’s important to say he’s considered insignificant. Why does he want to leave? Where is he to begin with (besides Verandale), and where does he want to go to? If you could identify why it’s so important for him to leave, then your great last sentence would have more power.
Best of luck with it!
This is an intriguing set up, and it implies the stakes — he could die if he leaves his home. The question I want answered is why? Why does he want to leave? Will leaving help him prove he isn’t insignificant? Why exactly is he considered insignificant? Is it something more than just being an ordinary boy?
You LL so far is quite brief, so there’s room for a bit more detail.
The language on this is lovely, but I’d like to have a better sense of the character and the story. I think a second sentence with what happens when he tries to leave might be really helpful.
Robert – I also think the quote is lovely, but I’m not too sure it belongs in a logline. If you go back to the examples I gave in this blog, it starts with the simplest summary of the book — such as what you might see in a TV guide summarizing a film — and then fleshes it out. One might say that what you have here is more of a ‘hook’ than a logline.
And I really think you need a different opening — ‘considered insignificant’ isn’t doing much for you, because it doesn’t tell us anything specific about Enoch. As Martha and Abbe asked, why is he thought to be insignificant? Is he just a poor peasant boy? Is he the youngest of a big family and always been overlooked? Has he never been good at anything, so some people think he’s a simpleton? (These are just some examples of why a boy might be viewed that way, of course.)
Now I was sneaky and took a peek at your website about this novel, and I see that your query has a lot of good things in it. 🙂 So I think what you need to do is to think more about boiling down your query to get to your logline. For instance, I know from your query that Verandale is surrounded by a forest full of monsters, and that Enoch has a friend who’s a giant.
I think those are the kinds of details you need to include in your logline. So a rough, short version might be: In a land threatened by murderous creatures that sneak out of the forests, a fifteen-year-old boy partners with a giant to save his home.
That might not be quite accurate, but do you see what I’m getting at? If you start with something like that, and then build onto it by adding more specifics — about Enoch, and about what he and the giant will have to do to save the land — I think you’ll be on the right track.
I hope that helps, and I’d be interested in seeing a revision. 🙂
(BTW, the imagery on your website is quite nice, and your drawings remind me of the ones my older brother did all the time when we were kids. I also enjoy drawing and have done illustrations — character portraits and maps and such — for many of my books. Mine aren’t very good, but because I’m very visual I love creating them anyway!)
Thanks so much Lara, I love your version.
Currently cramming to decide on a short version or a long version…and, of course, I have an hour until Miss Snarks opens.
I really appreciate your input and the web site analysis.
Best of luck in the contest!!
LOGLINE SUBMISSION #10
Thank you so much for the time.
13 yo Deech Rosselli is placed into Witness Protection and gets a new name, new friends, and a whole new set of problems as the middle school is filled with mini mobsters. When the principal snitches on the whereabouts of the Rossellis, Deech and his friends put together a plan that will trap the principal and capture the mob boss that comes after them. If they fail Deech’s dad is a goner, but don’t worry, they’ve all seen Home Alone like a thousand times.
At first glance, I like this one a lot. The conflict and stakes are clear, and the last line made me laugh. It’s on the long side, so I tried to trim it down a bit, and when I did, I wondered why the principal ratted them out. Is it because all the kids are from mob families? Also, are Deech’s new friends the same as the mini-mobsters? The answer to the last question may be too much for the logline, so that bit was one thing I dropped for this re-write. I also made an assumption about the principal’s motives:
When 13 yo Deech Rosselli lands in Witness Protection, he finds a whole new problem – the middle school principal is in a mob boss’s pocket. Deech and his friends put together a plan that will trap the principal and capture the mob boss before he finds the Rossellis. If they fail Deech’s dad is a goner. But don’t worry — they’ve all seen Home Alone like a thousand times.
I hope this helps. Sounds like a fun story. Good luck.
Abbe,
Thank you so much for the help. The principal used to be the U.S. Marshal in charge of the town. He got in some trouble and was demoted. He cuts a deal with the mob boss in hopes of setting up the current U.S. Marshal and getting his town back.
This is funny, but it needs to be tighter. I think Abbe’s version is on the right track. Although the last line almost sounds like it comes out of nowhere and is a little awkward, because it’s so humorous I think you can get away with it.
Also, I think you probably need to spell out ’13 yo’. You wouldn’t want to write it that way in a query (which is essentially a business letter), so my guess is that it isn’t really appropriate in a logline either.
Here’s one suggestion for a revision:
When thirteen-year-old Deech Rosselli’s family is placed into Witness Protection, he winds up with a whole new set of problems: his middle school is filled with mini mobsters, and the principal is on their side. Deech and his friends must put together a plan to trap the principal and capture the mob boss before he finds the Rossellis, or Deech’s dad is a goner. But don’t worry — they’ve all seen Home Alone like a thousand times.
Good luck! 🙂
LOGLINE SUBMISSION #11
Can you help with me with my logline???
Professor Payne and sixteen year old Finn Farrow are quickly learning the perils of time travel, especially when the beautiful Kensington Paliss is involved. From the ancient kingdom of Hatshepsut to the reign of King Tutankhamen, the professor and his students discover how difficult it is to experience the past without changing the future.
Thank you if you are able to help me!!
Hi Marcy,
There is a lot of information in your logline, and it might be a little confusing with so many names. I might take out this part, ‘especially when the beautiful Kensington Paliss is involved.’ The only reason I think this is because we have no connection to her to understand what she is to the MC.
Hi Marcy,
I agree with Emily. I think you can cut Kensington Paliss form the logline. I also think you could be more specific about the “perils of time travel.” I also think you could clarify the stakes – I think it’s a given that when time traveling you need to try to not change the future. As well, the way the logline is worded now (starting with Prof Payne, and then later referring to the prof and his students) it almost sounds like Professor Payne is your MC, rather than Finn. What about something more like “16-year-old Finn thought a class on Time Travel would be a blast, but when (insert inciting incident here -they lose the time machine) he must (insert specific objective – save his classmates from becoming slaves) before (something bad happens). Good luck!
I agree with taking out Kensington Paliss (at first I thought it was a place). I’m not sure what your MC’s goal is (to time travel, not change the future?), or what happens if Finn doesn’t achieve that goal.
Marcy – I agree with the others that the reference to Kensington Paliss isn’t adding anything (and the name might refer to a person, a place, or an object). But the biggest problem I see is that this is more of a general description of the subject of the book — a professor takes a students time travelling — rather than a specific summary of the story.
I also don’t think you need to use up words talking about the potential perils of time travel; most of us imagine that it would be dangerous, and that changing the future could lead to unpleasant consequences. Instead, you need to give us an idea of what does go wrong in this particular story — obviously something does! — and what Finn is going to have to do to fix it.
I think the structure of Kimberly’s suggested revision is spot on. Try using that framework, i.e., ‘when such and such happens, the MC must do such and such to stop (or change) such and such’. And I love the idea of a ‘time travel class’, though I don’t know if that fits the scenario in your book!
Good luck with this. 🙂
I wanted to thank all of you for your input! Work has been crazy and I must work to eat!
I revised my log line to be short and sweet!
Traveling through time, Professor Payne and his students must make sure that the ancient Egyptian Pharaoh, King Tutankhamen, meets his death at the young age of eighteen or their world will cease to exist.
Better? And thank you again for your time!!
Marcy – This is much better, but I’m assuming Finn is your MC, and if he is, the focus needs to be on him. For example:
When sixteen-year-old Finn Farrow and his fellow students travel through time with the mysterious Professor Payne, they must make sure that the ancient Egyptian Pharoah… etc.. And then the rest of the logline could be as you have it.
Good luck!
I like the 76 word logline but the words “the arrogant people from an advanced starfaring civilization who banished the original colonists to the harsh settlement” are good if these are the people we will eventually meet in the story. Also I think there might be a better word than harsh for what you’re trying to convey. Good Luck!
LOGLINE SUBMISSION #12
Lara, thanks for this offer! Here’s my logline
When twenty-two-year-old Quinn catches a healing disease that has been spreading across her quarantined college campus, she must figure out who has been killing the affected students before she is the next to disappear.
Caitlin, I think this is a good logline as it sets out the problem and the stakes. My only problem with it is the phrase “healing disease.” As in it’s a disease that helps you heal? Wouldn’t that be a good thing? If it’s too hard to spell out and keep the logline short, I would cut the word “healing” – you could maybe just call it a ‘mysterious disease’ if you want to convey that it’s not a normal disease. Good luck with this.
Like K Callard, I’m not sure why a “healing disease” is a bad thing. I think it would also help to understand a little more about the killing of the affected students to up the stakes (not details about their deaths, but maybe make this part of the first sentence?). The way your logline is presented, it seems the disease is the bad thing and the killing comes in as an afterthought. So something (written better than this, of course) like this:
When 22-year-old Quinn is infected by a disease spreading across her quarantined campus and students turn up murdered, Quinn (does what to put herself in danger, draw the murderer’s attention, etc., besides getting infected). Quinn must figure out who’s been killing the affected students before she’s the next disappear.
Thanks!
And yes, it is a disease that actually heals, ergo it isn’t “bad,” but the authorities are still unsure of what it is, hence the quarantine. However, that all might be too complicated for a logline! 🙂
I think you’re right, Caitlin. Maybe leave out the healing part for the logline, only because you don’t have words enough to explain.
Caitlin – I was also thrown by the idea of a ‘healing disease’, but after you clarified it, I think it’s a great concept.
I’d say that you need a little more detail here, so that you can actually work that concept in, because I think that’s part of what makes the conflict in the story different from other stories about future plagues and such.
Could you perhaps do something like this?
When twenty-two year-old Quinn catches the unknown disease that’s caused her college campus to be placed under quarantine, she discovers that the so-called disease heals rather than causing sickness. Instead, someone’s killing the affected students — and Quinn must figure out who the killer is before she’s the next to disappear.
I like Lara’s approach of mentioning the specifics of the disease later because I was a bit fuzzy on the healing “disease” too.
I have conflicted thoughts about mentioning the quarantine–on one hand, I can see where that would up the stakes, but on the other, I find it confusing in this context. (It seems like a really complicated thing to quarantine an entire campus which gets me off and thinking about that instead of the matter at hand.) I wonder if it’s strictly necessary for the logline?
Lara,
What a great web site. Love the picture of Bryce Canyon (I’m assuming) at the top, puts the visitor in a fantasy state of mind right away.
I share similar feelings about loglines. For the last couple of years, I have faithfully avoided contests that require one. This year, I decided to get busy. Though my first thought was just to get it over with, I actually enjoyed it, but…only once I started cutting!
I started with a couple of sentences that were much more filler than grabby, then tossed a few adjectives, and now I’m down to 29 words that might even be ready to submit.
So when I look at yours, my bias is much more toward the shorter versions and I have two major thoughts:
1) Replace a young man with “thirteen year-old Jem” for example. This gives us an identity to bond with AND you can do it in the same amount of words.
2) Adjectives are my enemy. We all have to use them, but my personal opinion is that they occasionally clutter the sentence. So is their a way to pare down the lines “small planetary colony” and “isolated artic village?”
Overall, sounds like a great story. You are entering Miss Snark’s, right?
I’m so glad you like the website! It’s still a bit rough — I need to add tags and a sidebar with links, for example — and I certainly have a lot more to learn about WordPress. As you can see, I’ve mostly used it as a static site, and to post progress reports about my participation in the Clarion West Write-a-thon, but I’ve also written a few essays for the blog. (You might find the essays I posted last year about revision useful — or hopefully at least somewhat entertaining!)
You’re correct that the photo is of Bryce Canyon. I enjoy playing with the colors and the levels of contrast to transform photos into images that almost look like paintings — or dream scenes. Also, I’m passionately in love with the Southwest, and although most of my books are set on other worlds, their landscapes are almost always inspired by real places. (In my current WIP, Heart of Elebfar, there’s a canyon that looks exactly like Bryce, which is one of the reasons I used this image here.)
I certainly agree that it’s ideal if you can put together a strong logline that’s also quite short. Before I discovered that there are so many different varieties of loglines, my inclination would have been to say that a true logline — not a multi-sentence pitch — shouldn’t go over 35 words.
So mine is still longer than I would like, largely because I couldn’t bring myself to give up the passage about my MC’s prowess with a bow, since I’m paranoid that without it he might seem passive (which he certainly isn’t!). And of course it’s always a challenge to balance economy with squeezing in enough detail to create a vivid picture of the book and show what makes it different.
Thanks again for your comments, and I really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts on these loglines. 🙂
LOGLINE SUBMISSION #13
I really like the 61 word count version. It covers all the important details and yet leaves me curious enough to want to read the story. My only suggestion would be to insert the MC’s name.
Thank you so much for being willing to look at our loglines too. I sometimes think that writing the pitch is harder than writing the book! Here is the current version of my logline for a humorous MG fairytale.
Tired of being teased about his stutter and his name, thirteen year-old Hobart Septavious of Finnagen sets out to do a few heroic deeds and earn himself a place in the King’s Knight School. But unfortunately, becoming a hero isn’t as easy as it looks. With several failed attempts behind him and the deadline quickly approaching, Hobart decides to do the near impossible. He will slay a dragon; or that’s his plan anyway.
Hi Heather,
I think you’re on the right track with this, but you could pare it down a bit more. What about: “Tired of being teased about his stutter and his name, thirteen-year-old Hobart Septavious of Finnagen sets out to do a few heroic deeds and earn himself a place in the King’s Knight School. But with several failed attempts behind him, and the deadline quickly approaching, Hobart decides to do the near impossible: slay a dragon.(Insert humourous line here. ie: Now if only he can find one).”
This sounds like a fun story. Good luck.
Tired of being teased about his stutter and his name, thirteen year-old Hobart Septavious of Finnagen sets out to do a few heroic deeds and earn himself a place in the King’s Knight School (I love this beginning sentence!). But unfortunately, becoming a hero isn’t as easy as it looks (the problem is: it never is, or there wouldn’t be a story. Maybe something from Hobart’s perspective, like: Unfortunately for Hobart, his sword slips during practice and stabs the King’s son. Which I know isn’t part of your story, but you get the idea). With several failed attempts behind him and the deadline quickly approaching (same thing; this is vague so just the fact that he fails isn’t enough to grab me), Hobart decides to do the near impossible. He will slay a dragon; or that’s his plan anyway. (<This does grab me!)
Best of luck with it!
This is really charming, Heather. I agree that it needs to be tightened up a little, and I thought the ending was just a teeny bit awkward. Perhaps you could do something like this:
Tired of being teased about his stutter and his name, thirteen year-old Hobart Septavious sets out to do a few heroic deeds and earn himself a place in the King’s Knight School. But becoming a hero isn’t as easy as it looks, and after several failed attempts, Hobart decides to do the near impossible: slay a dragon. Or at least, that’s the plan.
Sounds like a fun story. Good luck! 🙂
I actually like the 61 word logline best, although I see the 67 word pitch is more popular from the comments above. I have to wonder if that’s because the 67 worder uses Jem’s name rather than the somewhat vague “a young man”
I do think the 61 and 67 worders are the strongest. They share a lot of similar elements. I find the 61 worder to be more clear about just what to expect from Jem’s people. The way 67’s phrased, I think it could potentially be misunderstood about who the cruel people are (are they Jem’s race or are they people who can help Jem find his people?) 61’s more clear.
I also like that 61 has the planetary colony. Here are my two suggested revisions:
Growing up in an isolated village on a small planetary colony, Jem is the only one of his race in the entire village. When he’s blamed for the murder of two elders, staying alive may mean fleeing the village to seek his own people–people he knows only from tales of their arrogance and cruelty.
or
Growing up on a small planetary colony, Jem is the only one of his race his isolated village. When he’s blamed for the murder of two elders, staying alive may mean fleeing the village to seek his own people–people he knows only from tales of their arrogance and cruelty.
Lara,
Thanks so much for helping out MSFV critique-seekers! Mine got through the submission bot, so I won’t post it here. But I did want to say that your story sounds interesting. My favorite is the 61-word version. I like the planetary colony mention because it clarifies the genre. But I wondered if arctic is too “earthy” a term. The other important detail that’s offered in the 61-word version is that he flees to seek his own race. In the longer versions, it’s not clear who those arrogant invaders are.
Best wishes with your querying!
Concerning your loglines, I didn’t get (until the last one) that he’s a member of the an enemy race. I’d play that up earlier. Otherwise sounds like a fun story 🙂
Thanks so much to everyone participating in the logline critiques! If you didn’t see my comment on MSFV, I decided to post thirteen loglines (in honor of the Baker’s Dozen, and also because this is Halloween week) instead of just five. (Also, I figured that was about all I could manage!) For those who posted a logline after the first thirteen, I’m sorry that you didn’t get in, but I really appreciate you coming by, and if you’d like to pitch in with the critiques, you’re certainly welcome to do that.
Because the adult submissions for the Baker’s Dozen auction are tomorrow and Thursday, I’d suggest focusing your comments on the loglines for adult novels first, as we have a little more time to make comments on the YA/MG ones. I will try to critique all the adult submissions myself this evening.
Also, I realize now that I should have asked everyone to use a format similar to the one required on MSFV, and to list your title, age category, and genre. If your logline was posted but you didn’t include that info, it might help those doing the critiques if you added a comment to clarify that.
And I can’t say thank you enough for all the terrific, insightful comments on my own logline efforts! You folks are the best. 🙂 I will also comment on your comments later tonight, and probably post a revised version, so you can let me know if you think I’m getting closer . . .
Hi Lara,
I actually did get into the second logline critique round on MSFV (I was #40) for my MG novel titled The Meeting Place. You were nice enough to critique mine and mentioned having read a book with a similar storyline, and I would love to know the title and/or author if you remember it. I will paste your comment below to jog your memory. If you do remember, feel free to e-mail me! Thanks so much. 🙂
Jennifer
From your critique:
This intrigued me right away, partly because it reminds me of a book by one of my favorite midgrade authors with a similar storyline about befriending a girl who turns out to have lived a hundred years ago. (As I recall, in that one it’s a mystery and the MC doesn’t figure out that her friend is from the past until the end.)
Hi Jennifer – I’m so glad you came by and asked about the book again; I did see your comment on MSFV, but I was worried that you might not come back to check it, too!
The book I referred to is Can I Get there by Candlelight? by Jean Slaughter Doty. I devoured all her horse stories as a teenager, but this one is actually a mystery/paranormal fantasy as much as a horse story. It’s a lovely book, and yours also sounded like something I’d probably like to read. 🙂
Thank you so much! I haven’t heard of this book or the author, but I’ll see if I can track it down. I like these types of storylines in general (obviously) but I especially love reading anything with a similar plot to my novel, just to compare). I really appreciate the information! 🙂
Revisions of the Example Logline
After trying my best to weigh everyone’s comments, and to incorporate the parts that got the most favorable responses (as well as some additional suggestions from my regular beta reader), I’ve come up with two revised versions of the logline I showed in the samples. So I’m curious to see what everyone thinks of the results, and to find out which you prefer.
Version A) Born in an arctic village on a small planetary colony, Jem is a child of the enemy – the invaders who banished the villagers to the isolated settlement. His skill with a bow brings him confidence and pride, but more distrust from the villagers. When he’s blamed for the murder of two elders, survival may mean leaving to seek the people he knows only from tales of their arrogance and cruelty. (70 words)
Version B) Raised as an orphan in a village on a small planetary colony, Jem has never met his own people — the invaders who banished the villagers to the isolated settlement. His skill with a bow brings him confidence and pride — and more distrust from the villagers. When he’s blamed for the murder of two elders, survival may mean leaving to seek the people he knows only from tales of their arrogance and cruelty. (72 words)
Now I confess that I got antsy and entered my submission in the Baker’s Dozen this morning. (I’m at work, so I didn’t want to be distracted by the urge to keep fussing with the logline all day!) So if you all prefer the one I didn’t use, I get to feel foolish. 😉
Also, this particular book may be at a disadvantage in a contest like this, because the opening is in the POV of Jem’s mother. So when someone reads the logline and then the sample page, I can just hear them saying, ‘Wait — who’s this? And where’s Jem?’
But it isn’t a prologue — it’s the first section of the novel, which is several chapters long — so it didn’t seem honest to enter the first 250 words of the second section, which does start with Jem, just to avoid any confusion!
(When you read the entire novel, his mother’s story kind of brackets Jem’s story. Although I’m very aware that some readers may object to this stucture, all of my betas have really liked the first section, and it’s definitely staying. Not to mention the fact that I’ve already put far too much time into rewriting and polishing this book, and major structural changes aren’t an option at this point!)
Thanks once again to everyone who’s offered their comments — I really appreciate it, and hopefully it’s been a good learning experience all around. 🙂
I like them both, Lara! I think the stakes and world are much clearer now. I know just what you mean about worrying about a disconnect. I wound up redoing my opening just a smidgen (in my case, I just backed the scene up a few minutes so that it opens with the friendship), but I think you’ll do great. Good luck!
Also, for those whose loglines I haven’t commented on yet (I believe they’re all YA or MG?), I promise I will get to each of them in the next few days. And I may have additional comments tomorrow for some of the adult ones that have posted revisions, as I know you may be waiting until Thursday to submit your entry at MSFV. (If you’re more patient than some of us, that is!) 😉